From the Collection  Story Poems by Abigayle

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This is the story of a young woman who has decided to take her own life.e

She swallows a bottle of sleeping pills, and now she waits for them to take effect.

These are her last thoughts (?)  (Abigayle, 1975)

   

Dear God, what have I done?

(Abigayle, 1974)

 

                         So now I wait for death to come....

                        I know the end is near.

                        At last I=m free from life=s cruel pain.

                        I shed no final tear.

 

                        I wonder how it feels to die....

                        but yet, I=m not afraid.

                       The soothing peace of death is mine.

                        I gave my life in trade.

 

                        It really wasn=t very hard

                        to plan my own demise.

                        I took some pills that make one sleep...

                        and soon, I=ll close my eyes

 

                        and float away to lands unknown....

                        I=ll sever life=s cruel chain.

                        And though I know not what I=ll find,

                        I pray I=ll find no pain.

 

                        It=s almost time.  It won=t be long.

                        I think I=d best lie down.

                       My steps are slow, my balance gone...

                        the room goes round and round.


                        I=ve got to take a few more steps

                        before I fall asleep.

                        My coffin lays in wait for me.

                        My grave is wide and deep.

 

                        And as I reach my final bed,

                        from which I shall NOT rise...

                       my mind drifts back to years gone by.

                        I know my choice was wise!

 

                       I can=t remember happiness,

                        no matter how I try.

                        My life was filled with pain and fear...

                        so now, I choose to die.

 

                        When I was just a babe in arms

                        my mother ran away.

                        She fled the chains of motherhood

                        that tightened more each day.

 

                        From that day on, I hated her

                        for leaving me alone.

                        My hate consumed each day I lived

                        and turned my heart to stone.

 

                        My father tried to take her place

                        and shield me from the pain.

                        He worked... and bled... and did his best,

                        in spite of my disdain.

 

                        But that can=t be the way it was.

                        He could have done much more.

                         I needed things he couldn=t give!

                         I hated being poor!


                                                         That shack he tried to make a home

                                                         could not escape its fate.

                                                         His friendly smile, and gusty laugh

                                                         lost out.... to cold, hard hate!

 

                                                         But who could blame a lonely child

                                                         for other men=s mistakes?

                                                         What man could place the blame on me?

                                                         What difference does it make?

 

                                                           It=s too late now to change the past.

                                                         I=ve severed all my ties.

                                                           It can=t be wrong to end my life.

                                                         I know my choice was wise!

 

                                                          My teenage years brought bad to worse,

                                                         and life became my foe.

                                                           So one dark night, I left that shack...

                                                        Dear God, why did I go?

 

                                                           I dreamed of fame and neon lights,

                                                        and all I=d never had.

                                                           But once again, life let me down...

                                                        and left me cold and sad.

 

                                                          What job was I prepared to do?

                                                        Who=d want to hire me?

                                                           One child alone....amid the crowd,

                                                        what future could there be?

 

                                                           I slept with men I didn=t know...

                                                        just for a place to sleep.

                                                           I stole, and begged, and sold my soul,

                                                        but never did I weep!

 

                                                          But one day, I could stand no more.

                                                        I swallowed all my pride.

                                                           I went back home to find my dad...

                                                        and there I learned he died!

 

                                                           I guess I should have felt remorse.

                                                        Instead, it made me mad!

                                                           How could you leave me all alone?

                                                        How could you do it dad?

 

                                                           If only I had said goodbye...

                                                        had thanked you for your smile.

                                                           If only I could hear you laugh...

                                                        just for a little while.

 

                                                           But once again, life did me wrong.

                                                        And why....just tell me why?

                                                           Dear God, I=ve suffered long enough...

                                                        Tell me my choice was wise!

 

                                                           So, back I went - to city streets.

                                                        Where else was there to go?

                                                           And once again I lived in shame...

                                                        still lost - and so alone.

 

                                                           I turned to drugs soon after that.

                                                        I used them as a crutch.

                                                           I soared above the fear and pain

                                                        that curses all I touch.

 

                                                           But soon I found I couldn=t live

                                                        without my daily high...

                                                           and even though my heart beat on,

                                                        I then began to die!.

 

                                                           For now I=d even lost my pride.

                                                        I=d given up my search.

                                                           I shed my dreams...and overdosed,

                                                        and woke up in a church.

 

                                                          The father there watched over me.

                                                        He seemed to really care.

                                                           I found out then - I=d bear a child.

                                                        At last I leaned to share.


                                                          My face took on a happy glow...

                                                        and filled my heart with love.

                                                          And every day I knelt in prayer

                                                        and thanked the Lord above.

 

                                                           Six months - I lived in happiness,

                                                        so full of love and pride.

                                                           I picked out names.  I learned to knit.

                                                        I carried LIFE inside!

 

                                                           I hoped that it would be a boy.

                                                        I=d name him after dad.

                                                           I=d give him so much love and warmth,

                                                        he=d never once be sad.

 

                                                          And when that long awaited day

                                                        had finally come at last...

                                                           I prayed to God I=d have a son,

                                                        and end my shameful past!

 

                                                           But once again I woke to find

                                                        my dreams would not come true.

                                                           I weep at last - for my dead son...

                                                        whose love I never knew!

 

                                                           And why, Dear God, just tell me why...

                                                         is life so cruel to me?

                                                           Why can=t I find some happiness?

                                                        Can no one hear my plea?

 

                                                           Why should I live?  What hope have I?

                                                        What NEW hurt lies in store?

                                                           Could it be worse than that I=ve met?

                                                        I couldn=t take much more!

 

                                                           But why should I rave on this way?

                                                        By now, It=s way to late.

                                                           The fog of death comes rolling in...

                                                        At last I=ve met my fate.

                                                           But was my choice to end my life

                                                        the best choice, after all?

                                                           Or was there hope among my wounds?

                                                        Did I not NEED to fall?

 

                                                           Could I have found someone to love...

                                                        Someone to share my life?

                                                          Could I have found some way to end

                                                        that ever painful strife?

 

                                                          Did I ONCE take the time to look

                                                        beyond that wall of hate?

                                                          Did I once try to save MYSELF?

                                                        Dear God, is it too late?

 

                                                          I=ve got to reach the telephone...

                                                        at least I=ve got to TRY.

                                                          I=ve got to call and get some help!

                                                        Please God, don=t let me die!

 

                                                          My legs....why can=t I move my legs?

                                                        My body=s gone to sleep.

                                                          I=ve got to FIGHT the urge to die.

                                                        My life is MINE - to KEEP!

 

                                                          The light is gone....the room is dark.

                                                        My eyes are open wide.

                                                          cannot move to help myself.

                                                        From death I cannot hide!

 

                                                          It=s hard to think - my mind is weak.

                                                        I=m grasping for the sun......

                                                          and yet it=s rays elude me STILL.

                                                        DEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

 

 

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